poison and wine
by breakingatthecracks
Summary: The one moment in Emily's life when her biggest 'what if' became a 'what now'; a short tell-tale about the that thin line between staying and walking away for good. - Emison


_Oh, your hands can heal, your hands can bruise  
__I don't have a choice but I still choose you  
__Oh, I don't love you, but I always will_

.

Alison is back.

Alison is alive.

It means all of their questions can now have their answers. It means that they can now be normal teenagers again. It means they can now sleep without the fear of waking up in the morning to the news of another person dying.

Or another person not being dead.

It always depends on how you look at it.

So, that's how it's supposed to be, right? Alison's comeback should be a relief; it should feel good. They all should be happy. They all should raise a glass. But Emily couldn't even start to believe it, let alone celebrate it.

After all these years of struggling and sorrow, Alison is alive and well. Alison, her friend, was buried alive and now she's here, helpless and scared.

Emily has a lot of questions, loads of them. But when she got that note from Alison, asking her to meet them at _their spot_, all of the logical questions left her brain and are replaced by the questions she's waited all her life to ask; questions she never thought she'd have the chance to ask.

Alison _was _dead.

And now Alison is here.

Her Alison.

..

"Emily," Alison calls her name, a teary smile drawing all over her face.

It's been a week since that night in Ravenswood, since that night they all saw her again in flesh; since that night Alison looked her straight in the eyes with those eyes that, for once, needed her.

Alison looks small, signs of sheer exhaustion are visible in her features—Alison is probably tired, of running away, of being scared. Emily understands her because she's tired of all of that, too.

"Ali," Emily breathes out, this time, she looks exactly right at the owner of the name and not at her grave, not at any sort of illusion of her.

To Emily, the logical thing to do is to go over to Ali and immediately start asking questions. She knows they don't have much time, nobody in Rosewood ever has enough time. But Emily is anything but logical when it comes to Alison.

Emily hardly thinks about anything when it comes to Alison.

So she ignores that voice in her brain that tells her to stop, the voice that sounds like Spencer's warning voice. She ignores it and almost runs toward Alison.

She takes Alison in her arms, hugging her for dear life because despite it all—_all of it_—Alison is her friend.

Alison is her_ first love_; her first everything.

_First crush._

_First real kiss._

_First heartbreak._

She hugs her there and takes it all in: her scent, the way she feels in her arms. It still doesn't feel real but Emily believes it. Emily so badly wants to believe it.

After a few moments, Alison breaks their hug apart and looks up at her. Alison smiles despite her tears and Emily fights the urge to break down right there and then because Alison is alive and well.

A week ago, Emily cannot feel anything about it but right now, Emily knows it's real. Emily knows it's good. Emily knows it's all that should matter.

"You're really here," Emily says just because she can.

Alison smiles, "It's weird, huh?"

"Very," Emily confirms silently.

For a moment, they just stand there in front of each other taking the sight of each other in.

Alison looks older now, of course. But Emily, despite her hesitance, couldn't deny that Ali has aged well. Her hair looks the same, her smile looks the same, but it's her eyes that has changed so much. Alison's eyes that used to be so full of teasing and mischief are now replaced by a pair that are in equal parts brave and soft; like she's ready for war if you're gonna fight with her.

And honestly, _Emily might actually will_ if Alison asks her.

The _old Alison _would have fought that battle alone.

"Why did you want to meet me here alone?" Emily asks the first question that pops.

"I wanted to talk to you first," Alison answers. Her voice is soft and so dangerously harmless that it almost doesn't sound like her.

"Why?" Emily asks without knowing the real _why _she's asking.

Alison sighs heavily as she looks around _their spot_: the kissing rock.

"Do you remember this place, Ems?"

Emily is quite taken aback by both the question and the nickname.

The nickname somehow almost makes smile despite herself. For a name as short as Emily, Alison had always found ways to call her differently—_Em, Emmie, E, Emo _(when she's being sad), _Em-babe _when she's being soft), _Em-champ _(when she's competing) but _Ems _has always been Ali's favorite. _Ems _seems common but no other person calls her that; just Ali.

"No," Emily replies softly.

But _yes _is the real answer to that because Emily remembers this place—the kissing rock, the place where her hopes first started piling up.

Her response is Emily's way of not giving in. It's a silent defiance; a quiet remembering of Spencer's advice: _No matter what happens, Emily, you cannot slip back to that. You are not that person anymore, Em. You are so much more than the girl Ali kissed for fun._

She's thankful for Spencer. She's always been the voice of reason, the level-headed; always the smart one. And Spencer's always been more than just her knowledge. She's Emily's rock. She's the one that balances Emily when the emotions become too much.

Emily could tell Alison senses the rejection. Alison could feel Emily's refusal to surrender to this, whatever this is.

Alison takes a deep breath and meets Emily's eyes, "I wanted to talk to you first because I owe you an apology."

For the second time that day, Alison surprises her.

_An apology_.

It's the last thing Emily expected to hear from Alison mostly because she's never really sorry; and also because Emily doesn't know if she's ready to hear it.

"I'm sorry, Emily."

It doesn't feel real but at the same time it does. Emily feels like she's in that moment between dreaming and waking—that one moment you're not sure if you're awake or if it's still part of your dream.

"For everything," Alison adds.

Emily stays silent.

Suddenly, she remembers everything written on that diary Hannah stole; the diary that contains all of Alison's thoughts during the time she was missing. It had all of Alison's thoughts when everyone thought she was dead.

It had all the answers to Emily's questions.

Alison cares for Emily—the same way Emily cares for her. Whoever _A _is, they know about that. That's why _A _has targeted Emily the most. Hurting Emily means hurting Alison; attacking Emily may push Alison out of her hiding place.

Emily wishes she never knew; she wishes she never read the diary.

It scares her because now, Alison is alive and what is she supposed to do with that knowledge? And even if she wants to do something about it, can she?

Emily's biggest '_what if' _has become a '_what now'_.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Emily asks.

In her head, Emily apologizes to Spencer. Instead of asking real questions, Emily is here, asking questions that are for her own sake; questions that may complicate things.

She wishes Spencer, Hanna, and Aria will understand. She knows they will so, she opts to do this now. She cannot walk back home with the same questions she's been asking herself for years now.

"Tell you what?" Alison asks back, willing her to say it out loud.

Emily braces herself. It's inevitable. It's real.

"Why didn't you tell me that you loved me back?"

"Because I—"

"No, Ali. That's not what I meant to ask," Emily interrupts her, suddenly realizing what the real question is. "Why did you make me believe you didn't?"

"Because I didn't know how to."

Alison's response is quick and Emily could tell it's true. It's the truest thing she'd heard from Alison.

"I didn't know how to love someone, Emily."

Emily feels it again: her heart, breaking at the truths she always knew.

"Because I was messed up and I meant it when I told you that you deserve better."

"You hurt me, Alison," Emily says because it's the truth.

"I know," Alison says, tears threatening to fall out of her eyes. "And I'm sorry."

"You think your apology fixes it?" Emily asks her, more like accuses her. It's frustrating.

It's frustrating because there stands in front of her is the person she'd wanted to be with all her life and yet, Emily never felt so lonely. There Alison is within her reach and yet, she can't will herself to reach out to her.

"You think you—you can make me magically forget using an apology I'm not even sure you mean."

Alison shakes her head, "I'm not expecting you to forgive me, Emily. I'm not expecting any of you to forgive me. I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry and that I know I made a mistake. I just wanted to let you know because you mean so much to me."

Alison's tears start falling and it breaks Emily apart.

"I'm sorry because I wasn't strong enough to return your feelings back then."

_Back then_.

"I'm sorry because I hurt you and I'm sorry because they _A _hurt you because they wanted to hurt me," Alison finishes, now completely breaking down.

And Emily doesn't fight it—when her body tells her to hold Alison as she cries, Emily reaches out and holds the girl in her arms.

For a while, Alison just cries in Emily's arms and it feels so surreal; it feels so unreal to be the tough one, to be the one keeping Alison together.

"I'm sorry, Ems. I just wanted you to know that before it's too late."

Emily swallows as she tries to keep her emotions at bay.

"I'm sorry, too, Ali."

Alison, while wiping her tears off her cheeks, looks up to Emily.

"What are you saying sorry for?"

Emily smiles for some weird reason, "I don't know. I just am."

Alison chuckles and _God_, it's so easy to just fall for it all over again.

"You've grown a lot, Emily," Alison says, this time smilingly. Her smile looks so genuine that Emily cannot help but be reminiscent of the number of times she had fallen for that same smile. "You've changed."

Emily nods, "A lot has happened while you were away, Ali. It changed all of us."

"I know."

Emily only smiles. Under Alison's intense gaze, Emily grows conscious. After all this time, Alison's eyes still have the same effect on her.

Without a warning, Alison brings up her hand to gently touch Emily's cheek. She didn't want to but Emily relaxes to it, like it's the most natural thing in the world.

"You're beautiful, Emily."

Emily looks her in the eyes and for the first time sees all the reasons why she had loved Ali in the first place.

Alison is breathtakingly beautiful and brutally honest. Alison is a paradox, an enigma—one that always makes Emily want to figure out, one that always makes Emily feel important. Alison is strong in ways Emily isn't. Alison is everything Emily isn't and never will be; and yet, she's also everything Emily craves.

So, Emily gives in.

Complications aside, Emily decides to live in the moment and set aside whatever the voice of old Emily is saying in her head.

She kisses Alison.

For what feels like the hundredth time, she kisses Alison.

Chaste and gentle—just to make sure all of it is real.

She's sure Alison kissed her back and for the first real time, Emily feels like Alison is _really _back. Not the Alison that played games but the Alison she fell in love with; the same Alison that brought them all together, the same Alison that has been one the reasons that friendship stays strong.

Alison is back.

The _Alison _that saved Emily's life a number of times—and the same Alison that stayed hidden in an unfamiliar town just to protect all of them—she's back.

_Their Alison _is back.

_Her Alison_.

Emily pulls Alison back in her arms and this time hugs her welcomingly.

They'll figure out the rest eventually but right now, Emily decides that nothing is more important than the fact that Alison is alive and well. There will be complications, Emily knows. But life is short and people rarely get second chances.

Emily has a second chance _at everything _right now.

And perhaps it's true, _Alison broke her heart_.

But this is the first time in such a long time that Emily feels close enough to having it put back together.

It scares her but not enough to make her run away from it.

.

_I don't have a choice but I'd still choose you  
Oh I don't love you but I always will_


End file.
